Therapy
by teamedward86
Summary: Rose is angry at life and has done enough to end up at the school counselor. Forced to describe how she got to this point, Rose finally sits down and discusses how life has brought her here. She is slowly losing herself, and Dimitri is at his wits end trying to figure out what is wrong with her. He decides it's his duty to help his Roza find a way back to herself
1. Chapter 1

I hated therapy.

I guess when you start beating people up for no reason and start acting crazy they have to do something with you. That's what brought me here, to this sterile room talking with the ever composed Moroi counselor trying to get me to talk to her. I hated it. She would only answer me in questions so I gave up and stopped talking all together.

As a result, I was now sitting in front of a blank screen trying to write my feelings ugh.

Under threat of being expelled I decided I might as well give the tight ass what she wanted. Who knows maybe it would help, but I wasn't gonna hold my breath. If this email comes back with any grammer marks though I cannot be held accountable for my actions, just saying. She did say that anything I told her would be kept private and I could express anything without fear of backlash so I was gonna let her fucking have it.

To: Doctor Leslie Brown

From: Novice Rose Hathaway

The loneliness was only getting harder to bare. Growing up an only child would have been hard, but growing up without any family was harder. Sure I had a mom, some people like Lissa had lost her parents and she was now completely alone, but I had my mother, she just didn't think anything was as important as her career.

So no family, check.

I had a wonderful best friend who I was lucky enough to become part of her family. But, you always know in the back of your mind that really you are still just a stray who will never actually be as important as the rest of the family. When she lost her parents I finally felt like all we had was each other, and that our bond truly grew to be that of real sisters. But even if I felt we were sisters the thing that would always set us apart was that Lissa was Royalty. No matter how close we were we would never be equals. Something that was quite clear in how little Lissa realized that I would never get to have dreams or goals. My only mission in life was to protect her, something that until recently I was happy to go along with.

What had really changed? Mostly she was in love with the ever annoying although perfect for her boyfriend. I actually thought he was perfect for her after I tried to sabotage their relationship and realized what a mistake I had made. Now I simply took a back seat to their true love.

I really was happy for her, but being so unhappy in my own life made me resentful.

I found that my usual " happy go lucky, I am God's gift to men and if you don't like me you can go fuck yourself" attitude was turning into more of a "wtf" loop at everything and everyone. I couldn't go half a day without literally wanting to cry, kill or simply give up. I was losing myself and no one even looked close enough to notice. All they saw was the front I put up, no one looked past my mask, which made me feel all the more alone and unloved.

Really my only reprieve was training and being the best at everything that would make me a kick ass guardian! However, now that wasn't even an escape for me. Dimitri. That name says it all, was I hopelessly in love, yes. Was the attraction on a whole other level of sweet sassy molassy, yes. What it boiled down to was this, he felt like my soulmate. He saw me. All of me. He saw past who I showed to the world, and not only cared enough to look, he actually understood and related. How do you describe a connection that is indescribable?

I have met a lot of guys. Really and whether they were Moroi, Dhampir, or human it didn't matter. They all saw what I showed them on the surface. Did I have amazing connection with some, of course I did. I was attracted to tons! I had had guys who were intellectually stimulating too, but no one touched what I felt with Dimitri.

As luck, fate or whatever you want to call it would have it, he was my mentor/ instructor. Yes, there were all kinds of rules and moral blah blah blah... What really kept us apart was the fact that despite my soul being called to his, he acted as if I was nothing more than a student that he was invested in. I'm a piece of shit for even still wanting him. I couldn't help it though. I thought I could keep him as my friend. I should've known we could never be just friends. The pull was too strong. It was like every cliche romance were they describe the magnetic pull, and with us and magnets the longer they are together the stronger the pull becomes.

While he acted completely professional, I could see it was an act. Did that really make me feel any better, no it did not. In fact, it pissed me off. In the end all we really want in this life is to have someone choose us, over everyone else, under any circumstances.

I'm pretty sure that's why I'm so messed up.

It felt so unfair to have found someone I felt this level of connection with(especially after being so alone in life) only to have such huge obstacles in my way.

I'm done writing so hopefully you don't expel me.

AN I'm not a great writer to begin with, I mostly love reading, but this was buzzing in my brain so I let it out. I haven't written in years, be kind. Review and let me know what you think.


	2. At least I have cinnamon rolls

Now I would never tell her this, but I actually felt better after writing all of those feelings out. Who would have guessed? Not Rose Hathaway! Well, it doesn't matter, because I wasn't joking I really am not telling anyone that the therapy might actually be helping because you know what they would do? Keep me there indefinitely. That's the kind of evil you get with therapy, they really want to keep you for the rest of your life once they have their claws in you.

Like please, I don't need you to be a functioning Dhampir! Rose doesn't need anyone ( which is a good thing since I really have no one) It all works out.

Now with my homework done for both regular classes, which I thought I should be excused from being crazy and all, and also my shrink I think I deserve some useless calories.

The walk to the cafeteria was no longer then usual, but something felt off. I honestly didn't know if I had any more brain cells left to dedicate to figuring out what that was, but later I'm sure I'll think back on this moment and wish I had.

Walking in I was rewarded with the sight of fresh cinnamon rolls! God must have known how much I needed this.

As soon as the cinnamon roll touched my lips all thoughts of possible conspiracies and weird feelings were pushed so far away that nothing but icing and gooey dough was left. I'm sure I looked almost pornographic devouring my treat but you know what? I don't give a Russian flying fuckity fuck!

Once I'd finished my first one I knew that a second was in order. I savored this one and actually had the time to look around and notice my surroundings, something a Guardian wannabe should always do, and I had failed miserably. If I was being honest, in that moment of emotional exhaustion I probably would have let a strigoi take Lissa just to be able to finish my heavenly buns in peace… just kidding! Geez, of course I'm kidding, or am I hahahaha!

Is delirium part of therapeutic release?

Gosh I really needed to get ahold of myself. Standing up to leave the cafeteria I looked around and found that most of the people here were watching me, yet they were trying to hide it. I wish these people didn't think they could fool me.

"Are you done watching the Rose show assholes?" faces looked around in confusion, but their act wouldn't work on me.

"Listen, none of you mean anything to me. Stare all you want." Whispers erupted across the room, but I couldn't be bothered to stay any longer amongst those losers.

Walking back towards my dorm I heard the doors behind me open again and slam shut. I didn't turn around because I didn't want to give away that I knew I was being followed. I ducked behind the next corner then immediately into the bushes to confront whoever was stupid enough to follow me.

The grass and dirt were getting all over me, but what's a little dirt when on a mission?

Hearing the careful footsteps approach I knew before he even came around the corner who it was. Dimitri.

He probably already knew where I was and how many breaths I had been hiding here for. Some Russian analysis of how the air smelled, or Rose tracking device were all possible options I wouldn't rule out.

"Hathaway! Come out from your little hiding place and talk to me please. Start with what that outburst was about in the cafeteria, then maybe finish with how a Novice who is at the top of her class thinks a game of children's hide and seek would fool anyone." His voice was so professional but I could hear the effort it was taking him to keep it in control.

Figuring I had about 5 more seconds before he pulled me out of my hiding place by force I got up and dusted myself off.

"Well, if that's how you are going to talk to me then you can shove off and leave me alone, Comrade." I'm sure that whining in my voice was my imagination, but judging by Dimitri's slight eye brow raise he heard it too.

"Rose, please let's walk to the gym and talk in private."

This was the first time he had suggested we be alone since the infamous lust charm had been thwarted. I know I had it on a repeated loop in my head though so the creepy smile that came to my lips the moment he said that can't really be blamed on me.

"Just to talk, Rose." With a sigh that gave away his stress level he started walking towards the gym without even waiting for my answer.

Damn, gave myself away again. Why did it always feel like he had the upper hand?

"Wait up Belikov, as much as I like the view, I'd rather walk next to you this time." Hah! Take that! His slight smirk barely visible in the pull of his cheek gave him away and I knew he wanted to laugh.

He slowed down slightly and his face softened the moment I pulled up beside him. God, I loved him.

Taking a deep breath and pulling in the scent of his freshly showered man smell, I wanted so bad to curl up next to him and cuddle us into a blanket burrito and stay locked together where no one could bother us. Man, this Dimitri fog was clouding my every sense.

Each of us sitting on a gym mat, we silently began to do simple stretches. We weren't due to train, but this brought a level of familiarity and comfort to the both of us. I instantly relaxed a little further as I rolled my neck from side to side feeling the knots and tension release slightly. His muscles were all hidden by his clothes, but his face showed the relaxation he felt too. Such kindred spirits.

"Roza, what's wrong?" The name instantly soothed me further, I loved it when he used his nickname for me.

Sitting in silence I still didn't know how or where to start.

"Please?" His sincerity tugged at my heart and melted my defenses.

"I don't know where to start." I told him honestly.

"Why don't you start with the cafeteria."

"What about it? I was just enjoying some me time, and everyone in that cafeteria thought they could slyly watch me. Like I wouldn't know they were talking about me?" How could he even ask me such obvious questions?

"What do you mean? Who?" His face showed immediate concern. It looked as if he was searching my face for something.

"Rose, there was no one in the cafeteria except for a few teachers and guardians on their early dinner breaks. You were yelling at empty tables."

My mouth dropped open so far I'm sure the gym mat had some saliva on it, but I couldn't believe my ears.

Sputtering, I managed a few syllables that were incomprehensible till my brain managed to catch up to my stunned thoughts.

"Shut the front door! You have got to be shitting me?" Shaking my head back and forth I just couldn't see how this could be true.

"I'm not lying to you if that's what you are thinking. I was there, and more than that I would never lie to you. I think you know that."

The temptation to bring up the lust charm and his obvious lies that he felt nothing for me and that nothing like that would ever happen again were on my lips, but I didn't think my mental intervention was the best place to start that so I wisely kept my mouth shut. No easy feat let me tell you. Mental hysteria was creeping back up. I had been working so hard on getting back to normal so I could ditch that shrink.

Taking advantage of my continued silence he pressed on," Really you have been acting unlike yourself more and more. Alienating your best friend, talking to yourself, training at half capacity, I'm really worried about you,"

They must have been keeping a tight lid on my crazy files, he really didn't seem to get the extent of it.

"You know I think I will go lie down, I must just be really tired. Thanks for the chat, catch you later!"

I jumped up so fast I didn't think either of us was expecting it. With his muffled words of goodbye, I ran back to my dorm to call Lady stick up her butt. I didn't want to, but if what Dimitri said was true I had to get a handle on the madness before they decided they couldn't let a nut guard the last Dragomir.

Dialing Dr. Brown I held my breath while I waited to see if she would pick up. I didn't have to wait long because after one ring she picked up, what a loser she probably has nothing better to do.

"Hello, Dr. Brown speaking." Ya dude I know who it is I dialed you.

"Hey Doc, I think the hallucinations are coming back. What should I do? This is the last thing I need right now!"

It wasn't her fault, but man did she make for an easy target for my anger.

When the hallucinations first started I had just started therapy. Everyone could see how withdrawn I had become and that was me holding all the emotions inside. The barrier I had put up was flimsy at best and a few well placed insults from Jesse was all it took to unleash everything I had been holding back. All of the hurt, confusion, anger, sadness, and depression flowed out of me as I started pummeling my fists into Jesse. I didn't even know I was crying till after I was pulled off of him by 4 of my other classmates.

After being taken to the infirmary I was soon after put under the "care" of Dr. Leslie, if that's what you wanted to call it. She really bothered me. Pretty much every detail about her grated on my nerves, but they knew my weakness, Lissa. They had no qualms using her to keep me complaint.

I was given pills to help me relax and sleep since that hadn't been happening lately, and pills to help me function throughout the day. That week was when my condition worsened. It was mainly hearing threats or seeing groups conspiring against me. I tried to ignore them, but with a temper like mine well you can imagine I didn't take kindly to any of that bs.

This week we had started with the whole writing your feelings down mush, but seriously that was probably helping the most. If you don't count the little oopsies in the cafeteria today haha.

"Well, Rose, I told you to double up on your pills, have you done that yet?" She sounded bored and impatient at the same time.

"No, I haven't." No need to elaborate I'm sure I was gonna hear about it anyways.

"Well, if you can't handle simple instructions like a big girl then I will need to have you admitted where I can keep an eye on you and administer them myself."

Did she just threaten me?!

"Bitch, please." And with that I hung up the phone.

She had another thing coming if she thought I would respond well to the shade she was throwing down.

Looking back, that wasn't the smartest idea I ever had.

AN: Didn't think I was gonna write more, but after some of the encouraging reviews I was hit with inspiration. Thank you for reading and reviewing what I thought was just gonna be a therapeutic release for me.

~TeamEdward


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